Making Choices

One day you’re thinking about tomorrow &before you know it you’re in the future looking back on that same day. 

Already I’ve been home for 2weeks and as this new reality becomes more &more concrete, I find myself thinking back more often.

I remember everything. Every moment, feeling &image is alive, intensified, in my brain. Before I left, I couldn’t stop thinking about the future and what it would be like to be home. Now all I can think about is what I’ve left behind. 

Tbh; i’m just exahusted by this whole “cultural re-adjustment” process :/

I’m really bad at this blogging thing. I have too much to say, and such little memory space in my head that by the time I get around to this screen, I’ve already forgotten the essence of what I was trying to convey. 

I had begun this blog with the intention of sharing an experience but whenever I attempt this, It feels like I’m simplifying an entire existence. Thailand is absolutely NOTHING like America. &the longer I’ve been here, &the closer I come to going home, the more the differences shock me. 

I’ve done a lot of things for the first time, and a few things for the last time. I’ve changed about a million times but each time I discover something vital about myself. I have embraced a lot of new ideas, but at the same time have become firm in my absolute distaste for other ones.  

I learned for the first time, the true meaning of hospitality. I’ve been welcomed and embraced into numerous peoples homes, respected and honored to the extent of my own embarrassment. I am humbled and uplifted but mostly I am so completely and unquestionably grateful for the love extended to me.

I am having a hard time sharing Thailand with you but when I think about the time that has passed? Its been 7months and I’ve eaten too much, talked too fast, laughed too hard, and slept too little. For every post that I forgot to write, and for the ones I wrote &forgot to upload, I am blessed to say they were moments filled with life.

Lately I find myself watching a lot of sports. Basketball, Football, Tennis, pretty much anything that is on t.v. So what do you call football (soccer) thats not on an actual field? FUTSAL! (ding ding ding). I didn’t even know what Futsal was until I found myself watching the Futsal World Cup on television a few weeks back. 

Personally, I’m not a big fan of the sport. I found it as an alternative form of football for those who did not, could not, or in some cases, should not be playing professional football. However, the game is a really big deal in Thailand and most of Southeast Asia. 

Some nights ago I watched the football match between Malaysia and Thailand which was big deal for a good many people. It was during this match that I realized the side affects of Futsal on a nation. 

While most Southeast Asian countries have an extremely competitive Futsal team and are well known for their success on the Futsal court. I was completely, utterly shocked and perhaps a little embarrassed by how terrible their football teams were. Thailand won the match 2-0 but for 90minutes I sat cringing in my chair as both teams fumbled the ball from one side of the field to the other, seeming to have little control in the direction.

Though congratulations are in order for Thailand’s win, I (with lots of love) advise they both stick to the Futsal courts.

I can’t blame it on my upbringing, though perhaps my parents were more supportive than most, and I can’t blame it on my environment because my friends were the first to tell me I can’t. Yet I’ve always been the kind of gal who dreamed about making millions and changing lives. When I imagine my future I see big things happening, but more importantly, I see myself making those big things happen. 

So as of this morning, it has come as quite a shock for me to realize that this dream is not shared by women all over the world. I have always been the girl telling everyone to dream bigger, to work harder and that everything was possible. Only this morning did I realize a lot of people actually don’t want everything.

I can honestly say it bummed me out a little (quite a bit really) to realize that all of the amazing women I know and continue to meet are more than satisfied working 9 to 5, with a mediocre husband and children that they will love. 

I guess I’m still suffering from the shock of this but in the 9 hours I’ve had to digest this information, I’ve also realized that in disregarding my own sense of accomplishment, achieving domestic bliss is in its own right a ‘big thing’. 

I believe that there is only one God, and after the many messages brought down to earth, I believe Muhammad Ibn Abd’Allah is the last and final messenger. I believe in Heaven and Hell and I believe that fate is inevitable but destiny can be determined by your actions. I believe man has confused belief with institution and spirituality with power. I believe in the character flaws of humans and I deeply believe in God’s endless mercy. 

So when you ask me my religion and I tell you I believe in the betterment of humanity, do not tell me that is not a religion.

Ibrahim was sent to teach the ignorant, Moses to humble the arrogant, Jesus to guide the lost and Muhammad to perfect the manners of mankind. Buddha was a man of vision, Gandhi a man of patience, and Malcolm a man of action. 

The betterment of mind, body and soul is my religion, the actions of those before me my example and the word of God my guidance. 

In a world where religion is an identifier, and practice is a symbol of status. Where punishment is the go-to solution, forgiveness a last resort and open-minds considered hypocritical.  Understand that today I choose my old beliefs to memberships in your new religions of politics and ‘spiritual’ power. Of choosing sides and killing for pride.

I choose a belief that extends only between two. Me and the Creator (الخالق), the Guardian(المهيمن), the Almighty (الجليل), the all Wise (العليم):

God الله, as He is glorified and exalted. 

Through the ups and downs, the days I’ve wanted to pull my hair out and the nights when I felt life were perfect I’ve forced myself to establish a quota on which to live by: Positive energy only. 

Before I left America, I had a busy life going. Between work, school and other recreational activities I barley had time for my family and even less time for my friends. Tossed into Satun, for about 2months I had all the time in the world. I had to start from scratch all over again and though I didn’t realize it at the time, establishing a life when you don’t know anyone is possibly the most difficult thing to do. 

The past week, I finally found a schedule that allows me to come home exhausted  satisfied and excited. My life now revolves around my boxing training and though extremely tiring, I had never before really believed endorphin’s made you happy .. I guess I just wasn’t working hard enough. 

5am every morning I go for a 3mile run, come home, go to school or whatever activity the day holds. I arrive home around 5pm and I again run to the neighborhood gym where a 50yr old man built like an olympic athlete trains me to gain the muscle I need in order to competitively compete in Muay Thai. 

As I run through the neighborhoods in the mornings and evenings, its a different feeling to have people recognize you and invite you to come in for a drink of water, to pass children on the street and have them call your name or ride their bikes alongside you. Coming from a city, I’ve never had that and as I begin to learn the names of those who already know mine, I begin to feel like a part of my community.

My attitudes, my motivations and my choice of activities have changed so much since I’ve been in Thailand. And nothing makes me happier than to recognize and embrace them all as positive changes than will stay with me in the future. 

I saw a chicken beheaded and skinned (or do you call it feathered?). And I had no qualms about eating it the next day for dinner.

That’s proof enough that I have no desire, and not a single motivation to ever become a vegetarian. As I watched them pull the feathers out the body and toss it into a pile, I realized how ignorant I was about the process in which my food was made.

Did anybody else know that you can simply pull the feathers from a chicken and it’ll come right out? No resistance.

Is it the same with humans??? That worries me a little :/

4months. Thats a really long time. Today I started thinking about all that I’ve done here in Thailand. All that I’ve learned and the ways my new community is opening me up to the resources to better myself, mind body and spirit.

And as I look back on my previous posts, I laugh a little to myself. Its so interesting to see how much my perspectives have changed in such little time. Eventually when I got to a certain point in my reading there were no more posts to read. Transitions have happened from the time of my last post till now and they are transitions I would have liked to document. 

At first I was doing this as part of a requirement  I was doing this for an audience, to make this experience of a Kennedy-Lugar YES scholar a motivation of sorts for others see, appreciate and get involved with cross-cultural connections. 

But today as I reached my last post, I was a little saddened. I realized that in writing my experience for an audience, I had captured the parts of Thailand that I sometimes forget to snap shot away in my memory. I would like to apologize, mostly to myself, for neglecting my story. As I write now, I am fascinated to look back on this journey long after its over and witness the moments that are shaping my new goals, motivation, and expectations. 

In 2009 I remember being excited for the election of Sharif Sheikh Ahmed, the former president of Somalia. He showed the determination of someone who was ready for change, who would do whatever it took. I felt certain that with him in power, he could put a cap on the political chaos in Somalia.

Two days ago, Mr. Ahmed was outvoted by Hassan Sheikh Mohamud, now Somalia’s new president. I am not excited this time because frankly, i’m tired of all the talking. But its come to my attention that its different this time. Mr. Mohamud is not a politican. He is an academic. And if there is one thing I believe in, it is knowledge.

So maybe, just maybe I can put the tiniest hope that even if within his presidency Somalia does not find peace, maybe someone will finally concern themselves with the education of the next generation of Somalis. 

Maybe. 

I’m not scared of ants anymore. Now they just kinda irritate me, like what are you doing on my bed!? 

Heres to overcoming fears, cheers!